June 29th

Yesterday I met Rossy at the 3rd Street Promenade, we had crepes and we talked for hours and I had a really nice time.
Today Jorge came to visit and we came together to my parents and now I'm waiting for Michael to show up also.
Jorge and I went for dinner, I'm really glad he's around.
 I wish I could just live in the present but it's very hard to erase from our minds the concept of a future at all, not even a vacation, a graduation, maybe moving, missing out in all of my son's accomplishments , all that's gone.

June 27th

Yesterday it was a bad day I found out that SSDI has a five months waiting period  so now I can't afford to survive.
I feel lonely and scared and every morning is a panic attack and anxiety.
Julia hang out here and we had a good time
 is getting harder to write.
Michael is coming later and I'm trying to hold on to that.
The new court could end Obamacare and then I died.
What a f*****-up legacy to leave my child.

June 25th

Uruguay 3 Rusia 0 vamos invictos y sin goles en contra

June 24

 yesterday I spend  most of the day with Michael.  That's always my most precious time. I wish I were stronger and I didn't need to lean on him so much  because being his mom is the best part of my life.
I've been waking in the middle of a panic attack every morning the last few days and it takes hours after I wake up to get better.  I'm going through one now.
 My nephew is coming over this evening,  he's very sweet and I'm looking forward to it.
Now I need to shake myself out of this hole.


I went to my parents and met Michael,  Tomy and his friends there. It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many people I love 

June 22nd

I spent most of my day trying to deal with SSDI and it's been very frustrating. A friend of my son, her name is Prissi, who I've never met has been helping me through this and she's being amazing, she's a professional patient advocate so she's been invaluable and she's doing it just to help me and is very touching.
Jorge called me from out of the blue the day I got the diagnosis, someday I will find out how that came to be but I'm glad it did. I reached back out to him today and now he's on his way and I think it should be nice and comforting.
 It was really nice seeing Jorge, it did not feel like it's been so long.
Death can give you a clear perspective about the silliness of things

June 21st

Going to yoga made me feel great two days ago but it also caused my incision to hurt. Today I'm kind of depressed and down and I've been scared all night. I'm going to go visit my parents and then I'm just looking forward to seeing Michael tonight.
My niece and my nephew came over and made dinner yesterday, they're adorable.
I can't shake this feeling of sadness today, and the unconcealable reality of leaving my son.
Some of my amazing friends have enroll me in freshly that will come very handy as I don't feel like cooking at all, or shopping.
I refuse to allow Trump to survive me as president, looking at these little children separated from their parents is devastating.
I went to visit my parents and now I'm back home waiting for Michael to come over for dinner. He's going to cook. He's actually a great cook, gourmet almost. He has really stepped up and I'm so proud of him, I hope he knows that.

June 19th

With all the love coming my way this would be the best time of my life if I weren't dying. 

Julia took me to visit my parents and yoga. Other than that I'm sleeping a lot I'm doing fine. The sadness and the fear come and go and interfere with my ability to concentrate on anything so yoga was really good.  I'm also really worried about money. Is depressing that whatever time I might have left I will be poor and never travel again.

The generosity of my colleagues and Friends keeps touching me everyday

June 19

My first day of chemo, I'm feeling fine. Michael picked me up and then he hang out for quite some time. I'm really touched how all my friends are up to date on my medical news and concerned about me.

The problem with feeling fine is that it makes it hard to get into my head that even if the treatment works, even if I show no symptoms or signs of cancer this particular cancer can never be cured

June 15th

I went to get a port put in today. Something that I will live with forever, it makes me depressed. Gisela pick me up and now Julie and Khayyam are here taking care of me and that feels really nice.

I'm starting to wonder why I'm committing to a treatment that they know it's a failure. 

June 14th

City of Hope says that my tumors are too small for their trial, it sounds like good news but it's just as deadly.

 I'm starting chemo next week. I don't know how to survive without an income

June 13th

I'm trying to resolve a riddle, how to enjoy life when all you can think about is death. These days have had some peaks of intensity but all the knowledge and wisdom that I'm acquiring from them it's not going to serve me much in the grave. 

I am suddenly going into the darkest of all places, how do I say goodbye to my son I feel like somebody's tearing my heart out just thinking about it. 

June 12th

Tomorrow today would have been awesome I'll try to remember that.

Dr. Mena transferred my care to City of Hope for a clinical trial and I'm very scared of the time that's going by and the treatment is not starting, it's causing me a lot of anxiety.
 Monica came to visit and so did Julia and then Monica and I went to my parents, it was good to get out of the house. 

June 13th

I feel so thankful do my friend's generosity it really has touched my heart.

I spend a good chunk of time with Michael today, the thought of leaving him devastates me, I just want to stay with him as long as I can. 

Tomy and his friends are here today, they came and cooked for me, I love them for it. 

More tests and process and calls and more process to come

June 12th

Today I went to see doctor Mena, my new oncologist, somehow he gave me a little bit of hope, not of cure but of living at a little longer, a pin hole at the end of the tunnel. I'm also getting more stressed about money, or the lack of thereof.
A few of my friends have been incredibly generous but I have a long run and I think I'm going to be poor for the duration

June 11th 2018

Eleven days ago, with no symptoms and out of the blue I was told I had gallbladder cancer, I was told it was a very aggressive cancer. The next day I went to Cedar Sinai to see a surgeon, that's when I found out how bleake the odds were under any circumstances, two days ago, just when I thought I was handling it I found out that any thought of odds had been optimistic, there are no odds, we're talking about months not years. 

I found out that our brains don't have a storage room for hopelessness. Once hope is taken away usually our brains try to put it away, discard, no point in holding on, I didn't know what to do with the information, it was not sinking in. All I could feel was just pain that my brain could not process. Full disclosure, with the aid of some Pharmaceuticals and the railing of my family I'm now able to cope most of the time. The idea of leaving my son so soon is devastating. But for those moment when I can see beyond the dark I realize how precious and intense every common moment is. If this didn't kill me it would be the best trip of my life.