siento como que me estoy apagando

 the keytruda, My Last Hope of survival did not work, my tumor markers are doubled and their tumors all over including putting pressure in my already painful rectum.
I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared to be dying all over again

Sometimes I get really scared, the rest of the time I'm constantly pushing Panic away. It's starting to take a toll

Back into surgery I am so sick of being handled I feel like I'm losing my  autonomy

I am sorry I have been gone for so long but she's my number started going up I have being terrified and dies and exhausting and time and energy consuming chore. Not getting better, the numbers are getting higher and the insurance company won't pay for a PET scan. I appeal to the Department of Insurance and a lost so they can't read me until it's too late. I guess that is what the insurance company wants

My mom was the only person that could have taken all of my pain and all of my fear into the palm of her hands and some how make it feel better. I feel so alone now.

I went to the oncologist today, he says he honestly has no idea why  my tumor numbers are up, because for those numbers to go up, things have to be spread around already and they would have seen something during the surgery. He also told me sometimes they go up unexplainably. But now we're going to be looking into all the places where we haven't looked before. I feel slightly better and somewhat more reassured.

My mom died last Saturday. I miss her and I am emotionally drained

I went to the doctor today and he says now there is no evidence of cancer but this cancer always comes back; so I'm just taking a vacation from chemo  and obviously a few months have turn into probably a few years. Not great but better news. He told me that as far as planning my life I better stay on  disability because it will most likely come back. He is going to help me to test the sample for DNA but I'm going to have to pay for that myself if he figures out how to get it done. 

Today I lied to my mom and told her that I had been cured. She was very happy. Now I feel guilty lying to her, she was always open-minded and very non-judgmental , so I'm not used to having to lie to her and never really did.

I feel so guilty I ever told my mom that I was sick. I just needed to tell my mom and I didn't get how mentally fragile she was. Lately she's been so lost , I miss her and I miss our conversations , she rarely talks much anymore

Michael has been amazing. He's been spending upwards of ten hours a day at my place plus running my errands and he's being really good at taking care of me. Besides, he's also great company, he likes reading to me and telling me stories and he's wonderful.
This recovery is taking longer than expected and I am so thankful to him and for him.
A friend got me a bed with trundle drawers as a gift for the guest bedroom and Michael has been putting it together,  now is done and it looks great.

My adorable niece actually drove from Lancaster to take me to the hospital at 6 a.m. I'm so thankful to her, I didn't ask her, she volunteered. My son has been spending all day with me everyday this week, helping with everything around the house he's being really amazing and I am really thankful to him for it.
I love them for been there and for being so awesome.

I went through my surgery. Cedar cyanide was as much as a nightmare as I expected it to be so I don't have that much information from the doctors because they don't bother talking to people. But what they did tell me is that they found no present evidence of cancer. So the good news is that the surgery was pretty much useless and that is good news

I am in Cedars waiting to register. Sooooo nervous!

It's All About Love

I told myself I was going to defy the odds and everything was normal. Now they found a spot in my lung. Getting harder

Sometimes time stands still.