siento como que me estoy apagando

 the keytruda, My Last Hope of survival did not work, my tumor markers are doubled and their tumors all over including putting pressure in my already painful rectum.
I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared to be dying all over again

Sometimes I get really scared, the rest of the time I'm constantly pushing Panic away. It's starting to take a toll

Back into surgery I am so sick of being handled I feel like I'm losing my  autonomy

I am sorry I have been gone for so long but she's my number started going up I have being terrified and dies and exhausting and time and energy consuming chore. Not getting better, the numbers are getting higher and the insurance company won't pay for a PET scan. I appeal to the Department of Insurance and a lost so they can't read me until it's too late. I guess that is what the insurance company wants

My mom was the only person that could have taken all of my pain and all of my fear into the palm of her hands and some how make it feel better. I feel so alone now.

I went to the oncologist today, he says he honestly has no idea why  my tumor numbers are up, because for those numbers to go up, things have to be spread around already and they would have seen something during the surgery. He also told me sometimes they go up unexplainably. But now we're going to be looking into all the places where we haven't looked before. I feel slightly better and somewhat more reassured.

My mom died last Saturday. I miss her and I am emotionally drained

I went to the doctor today and he says now there is no evidence of cancer but this cancer always comes back; so I'm just taking a vacation from chemo  and obviously a few months have turn into probably a few years. Not great but better news. He told me that as far as planning my life I better stay on  disability because it will most likely come back. He is going to help me to test the sample for DNA but I'm going to have to pay for that myself if he figures out how to get it done. 

Today I lied to my mom and told her that I had been cured. She was very happy. Now I feel guilty lying to her, she was always open-minded and very non-judgmental , so I'm not used to having to lie to her and never really did.

I feel so guilty I ever told my mom that I was sick. I just needed to tell my mom and I didn't get how mentally fragile she was. Lately she's been so lost , I miss her and I miss our conversations , she rarely talks much anymore

Michael has been amazing. He's been spending upwards of ten hours a day at my place plus running my errands and he's being really good at taking care of me. Besides, he's also great company, he likes reading to me and telling me stories and he's wonderful.
This recovery is taking longer than expected and I am so thankful to him and for him.
A friend got me a bed with trundle drawers as a gift for the guest bedroom and Michael has been putting it together,  now is done and it looks great.

My adorable niece actually drove from Lancaster to take me to the hospital at 6 a.m. I'm so thankful to her, I didn't ask her, she volunteered. My son has been spending all day with me everyday this week, helping with everything around the house he's being really amazing and I am really thankful to him for it.
I love them for been there and for being so awesome.

I went through my surgery. Cedar cyanide was as much as a nightmare as I expected it to be so I don't have that much information from the doctors because they don't bother talking to people. But what they did tell me is that they found no present evidence of cancer. So the good news is that the surgery was pretty much useless and that is good news

I am in Cedars waiting to register. Sooooo nervous!

It's All About Love

I told myself I was going to defy the odds and everything was normal. Now they found a spot in my lung. Getting harder

Sometimes time stands still.

A federal judge just struck down the Affordable Care Act. I'm going into full panic mode.

This week is my first week without chemo. Today I felt a little bit more energy but I also have this fear that the cancer is growing by the minute which I know is not the way it works.



Thursday I'm going to get a second opinion that's recommended by my oncologist and as usual I'm scare of doses of reality.

In the meantime I don't know what's really going on because Blue Shield won't pay for my pet scan, I might have to pay for it out of pocket, which is not going to be an easy task, in the meantime I'm trying not to let it get me angry.

I am very thankful for the people in my life, my family, my friends and my colleagues.

The last couple of days have barely been able to keep my eyes open.
I am freaking out at the insurance companies refusing to pay for my pet scan and that's not something I can afford out-of-pocket or anybody that I know could.

 every new day starts a new fantasy about where my life really is and every morning I wake up wondering what am I going to tell myself today.
Nobody really knows how they would react in this situation and that includes me. I wonder myself that all the time. I'm kind of improvising it as I go along, reality and I are not friendly at the moment

Some days I think that I know I don't deserve all the kindness and love that's being shown to me but many people that owed me no loyalties or anything for that matter have been so kind, generous, supportive that I'm overwhelmed. I would say I got really lucky, but I guess that part washes out with being unlucky enough to have terminal cancer but I am incredibly thankful because I don't think I was ever that selfless, kind; I'm not saying I was a bad person, I don't think I was ever truth either, I'm just don't think I ever would have expected the love and generosity that's being shown to me.

So the good news is that there is no more visible signs of cancer, the bad news is that regardless of that there is less than a 1% chance that this won't kill me in the near future. On top of that my health insurance has doubled, I'm broke so it's not like I can spend the rest of my time traveling the world.
I think my son was really under the illusion that I was getting cured and he took it harder than me

I know I've been absent, the anemia has me down. Yesterday I found out that thanks to Trump, using the tax cut for the rich bill, eliminated the individual mandate and my health insurance doubled. I also found out that in other countries my cancer is treated sometimes by a liver transplant but not here, so I have to investigate a lot and decide what to do next

I should be saying smarter things

October 28th

I've always liked collecting moments, like working a year to collect two weeks to have a great vacation. Was always about a special moment. Now with my anemia I am so tired all the time I feel like I need several hours of sleep just to get one hour of quality time of life.

Today's are really bad day tomorrow will be better. 

October 14

Today I woke up to violent vomit and I had to cancel my plan with my son to hike up to the lake. I smoke a toke to stop the nausea and I'm realizing that I should have moments of incredible clarity and profound thoughts, but I don't have that many. It's like my brain is becoming stupider.

October 12

It's amazing the kinds of things that we can achieve normalcy with. Even living with the knowledge that you're dying. I'm still having trouble with Trump though, normalcy still not an option there

October 6th

We're going to Tijuana with Jorge to have the chile en nogada

October 3rd

I have been obsessively upset about the Kavanaugh confirmation,  that's why I haven't written. Today I went back to yoga I'm happy about that

September 25th

I've been feeling lonely lately.
I've been doing less also and seeing less people which is also why I've been driving less. Today I took a p.m. job, it felt good.

September 20

Yesterday night I twisted and sprained my ankle. I'm now waiting for the doctor in the Urgent Care Clinic. Not being able to walk it's no fun, on top of it is my right foot so I can't drive either. I'm thankful that I had a special boot from 10 years ago when I also sprained my ankle so I can manage to take an Uber and make it to the clinic.
I miss having visitors all the time.

September 17th

I am in chemo right now. They tell me my white count is low.
Yesterday I went to visit my parents, my Mommy's doing slightly better, thank God, and then I went out with Jorge.
Saturday Rossy gave a party for my birthday at her house, it was really wonderful and I am so thankful to my friends and family for being there. I also found out that Julie, Beatriz and her son can sing really well.

September 13

I've been home all day today and I'm trying to drag myself out of the house for a little while.

I miss having visitors.
I ended up staying home and now I regret it. I realized that realistically I won't be here a year from now and I wasted a day. 

September 10th

I had chemo today. Michael pick me up and we hang out and had a good time. I really like that kid :-).
Beto is going to win. I would love to send him money, I mean like 20 bucks, but I feel guilty that I'm now living myself completely of the charity of loved ones, known ones and strangers. The way I figure 20% are still undecided, those are typically low-information voters, now which one of them is cuter :-)?

September 9th

Yesterday Michael took me for dinner for my birthday. We went to Le Petit four and it was very nice.
Today my father and my mom took the rest of the family to the Henry for brunch.

September 7th

Yesterday Beatriz came by and took me for a mani-pedi. She is a sweetheart. Wednesday   Michael came over and cook for me, he's a great cook.
Now I'm waiting at the doctor and later tonight and seeing Jorge 

September 5th

The last couple of days I've finally been feeling better.
Michael came over and cook some amazing pork chops.

September 1st

Today Elisa and Rossy took me for lunch at the Henry. I loved the place and we had a great time.

August 30

So far I've been trying to live in the present and enjoy every moment as much as I can, but sometimes all I can think is just don't want to die. I want to travel, I want to make plans, I don't want to leave my son, I want to meet my grandchildren.

August 28th

For the good news, there's only one tumor left, it's in my liver and it has shrunk quite a bit. The bad news, they're still at two more left. I understand that for this particular kind of cancer it doesn't make that much of a difference, even if they had caught it before it metastasized and removed it completely, the survival chances then would have been below 50%, but I was hoping for a respite, maybe a few months without chemo.
Apparently all the awful symptoms that I had this week come from another stones that I'm passing or the original stone that's still passing.
It just occurred to me that if I had a profile in something like match.com, I would have to update it to: Ideal for men with fear of long term commitments.😂

August 27th

I haven't felt well for almost a week and I'm scaring myself wondering if this is the best I'm ever going to feel again?

August 24th

I have been feeling awful for 3 days.

August 20th

Yesterday I saw Liat, my sobrina from Israel  I am she came by.
Later I spent the evening with Michael at the Farmers Market, I had a really nice time, Michael is being really sweet.
Now I am waiting for chemo. My tumor markers dropped some more  😊

August 18th

I've been gone for a few days, I mean from here.
I just got my latest electricity bill, $419, that's the cost of staying home so much in the hottest month ever. I'm buried in paperwork trying to get a break.
Yesterday I went for dinner with Jorge I had a very nice time. Tonight I'm going to hang out with  Beatriz and we're going to see my parents

August 13th

Tonight I had dinner with Michael. He came over this afternoon and help me with the my mess of paperwork a lot.

August 11th

Today I went for lunch with Monica, Mariana and Rossy.

 I had a great time. I also got to meet Monica's parents.

August 10th

I've been feeling lonely  lately.
The stupid insurance company refused to approve the Pet Scan that the doctor ordered. So now I have to prepare myself for battle

August 8th

No sé que es peor pasarme el tiempo que me queda trabajando en vez de disfrutando o pasarme el tiempo que me queda demasiado pobre para disfrutarlo

August 6th

My tumor markers are almost normal.
I asked the doctor if there was any chance it may go away permanently, he said there's always a chance but it's not likely. Still, this is very good news. After all, it wasn't likely that the chemo was going to work either so I got my first miracle.
Now, if I could only deal with the fatigue and spasm pain life would be better

August 4th

Not a good day. I vomited violently after breakfast. I am now officially in debt so I'm looking at a future that gets poorer as it gets longer or worse it gets shorter.
My parents are not doing well at all and I think part of it is my fault. I asked Michael to please call me from Berkeley, that I had a bad day, but so far I did not hear from him. I'm happy Beatriz came to get me.
It makes me really depressed to think that I wasted a day again because I felt so miserable all through it and I'm terrified about a job that I took next week and I don't think I can make it. I've been feeling pretty lonely most of the week.

August 2nd

Today I went to visit my parents and I met Michael there. Then I came home and I went to see Julia who had Esther staying over. For old-time sakes Esther brought me a bottle of vodka.
Michael left for the weekend to go to a wedding in Berkeley.
Julie was supposed to be coming over this Saturday but she stood me up, now I have nothing to do. It's funny how I always wanted to live by myself and now suddenly I feel lonely when I have nothing to do or no one to see, that's kind of pathetic.

August 1st

Monday I had chemo and as every Wednesday I woke up nauseous. On top of everything yesterday I took a bad fall and both of my knees are killing me.
Everyday I am more and more touched by the generosity of my friends.

July 29th

Yesterday I spend most of the day with Michael wondering to Downtown LA, we went to the Clifton bar and after walking around different places we ended up in Chinatown for dinner.
Today I went for lunch with Mariana, Estela Elisa and Rossy. I had a great time and I feel very fortunate and thankful for the people in my life.

July 27th

My car Insurance  $1,500 for a year I'm not sure I will live through, getting seriously into debt.
Michael and Julie were here yesterday for dinner, Michael was fighting about everything that made no sense and what's not important.

I'm seeing Jorge tonight.

July 25th

Today I felt awful all day. I was nauseous and my stomach has been hurting since the morning. I turn down friends that tried to visit and eventually the sun went down and I started crying when I realized I had wasted a whole day.
Alee was the light of my whole day she's amazing

July 24th

Michael came for dinner yesterday and he was actually a lot of fun, meaning he was being very funny.
I'm getting scared that this new adventures going to end. People will start to forget, I'll have no more money for anything, Michael will get tired over my high maintenance of the moment. I'm also getting more successful pushing away from my mind that there is no end to this adventure that I would possibly like.

July 21st

Yesterday I went with Jorge to this charming Wine Bar downtown Los Angeles, it was really nice and it's nice to feel like I'm in a city.
Today Rossy and Mariana took me for lunch to a very nice restaurant In The Sunset Plaza.
Tonight Julie and her girlfriend came over and we went out for dinner.
I am so thankful to the people in my life.
Some days it feels like life could be normal

July 19th

I had a very scary  morning. Julie and Michael are coming for dinner tonight and I'm really looking forward to that.
I'm trying to sell my piano now, I listed it on eBay

July 16th

Michael came back, yesterday we went to visit my parents, I gave him the will, then we went to the village for a drink and then we walked for some time on Ventura.
Today I saw dr. Mena and he told me my tumor markers were down, meaning that the treatment is working. Now I'm getting chemotherapy and then Michaels picking me up. We're going to go to this place so I can meet his cat and see the new place, and then he's going to be cooking some awesome salmon he knows how to make.

Bastille day

Now that the side effects from the chemo started I have to reassess my priorities. Beatriz and Julie are coming over and then we are meeting Mónica at Cafe bidou for dinner.

July 12th

The whole family, except for Michael got together to celebrate Tommy's birthday and goodbye, Luis and his family joined us together with Jorge and some of the kids friends.
Feeling nauseous scares me.
Five of the kids are spending the night.

July 11th

It was a bad day today, for the first time I felt nauseous most of the day and really sleepy, I could barely keep my eyes open. I got my my will signed.
thank God Beatriz came to visit because I did not feel like getting out of mine nightgown all day, Monica tried to come but I was too sleepy to coordinate.

July 10th

Dying has been very disruptive to my schedule. Yes, that's me trying to keep a sense of humor in spite of it all.
Yesterday Julie came to pick me up at chemo and hang out with me for a while. She's just so incredibly nurturing and has always been.
So far I've heard nothing from SSDI and I'm leaving out of your help and Air.
 Today I went with Julia to see my parents and then I went to my favorite $8 yoga class.
 An attorney is coming tomorrow to finalize my will so I'm going to sleep now.

I had a really hard time sleeping yesterday but today I woke up in a very nice morning, feeling a lot better than usually.
 I had a very nice time with Jorge yesterday.
 today I woke up once again in awe of people's generosity
Tomy came over, we went for dinner and then we had an profound conversation, I was amazed at his level of introspection and honesty.

July 7th

The Big Bang didn't just create matter and Energy,  it all came with a set of rules, the laws of physics. Men did not create the laws of physics.

 I'm looking forward to seeing Jorge tonight.
It's so strange, when you're down, and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed, with nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run
There's no hurry anymore when all is said and done
Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run
There's no hurry anymore when all is said and done
ABBA

July 6th

 right now I really hate soccer.
Tonight I'm going for dinner with Beatriz and her family, she's being super nice with me. Still trying to get out of bed. I have also been dealing with my will.
 Beatriz is really a sweetheart.  yesterday I met her sons,  both really handsome kids.

I hate the terror and despair I wake up in every day. I have to turn around my whole head and try to look at my day for whatever is going to bring as my future and hope there's something in it that's going to make me happy. They usually is for now. My nephew and my son are coming to visit today and I still have enough hair to go do my roots.

July 3rd

This morning I went for the genetic testing.

The hypnotherapy really helped, this morning was the best I've had so far.
Julie and Khayyam are visiting. 😊
I'm going with them to visit my parents.
Michael is going for a week to Mexico next week, I'm already dreading it.

July 2nd

Today I woke up with a full-blown panic attack mostly because when I dream my impending doom is in my dreams  and then I wake up to reality.
I'm thinking how much I'm thankful to have my parents around caring and worrying as unfair as it is, and thinking how my son will not have me when he needs me, when life turns hard and bad things happen. I feel I'm abandoning him and it's tearing me apart. I never thought I could feel so much pain

July 1st

Yesterday Julie, Tomy and Beatriz came over for dinner and then the children stayed over and it was really nice.
On the other hand I had a hard time sleeping I kept waking in deeper and deeper darkness and panic attacks.
Frank is coming over and I'm going to go with him to visit my parents. And then later tonight Michael is coming over for dinner and bringing food from Los Agaves.  I really missed not hearing from him yesterday.

June 29th

Yesterday I met Rossy at the 3rd Street Promenade, we had crepes and we talked for hours and I had a really nice time.
Today Jorge came to visit and we came together to my parents and now I'm waiting for Michael to show up also.
Jorge and I went for dinner, I'm really glad he's around.
 I wish I could just live in the present but it's very hard to erase from our minds the concept of a future at all, not even a vacation, a graduation, maybe moving, missing out in all of my son's accomplishments , all that's gone.

June 27th

Yesterday it was a bad day I found out that SSDI has a five months waiting period  so now I can't afford to survive.
I feel lonely and scared and every morning is a panic attack and anxiety.
Julia hang out here and we had a good time
 is getting harder to write.
Michael is coming later and I'm trying to hold on to that.
The new court could end Obamacare and then I died.
What a f*****-up legacy to leave my child.

June 25th

Uruguay 3 Rusia 0 vamos invictos y sin goles en contra

June 24

 yesterday I spend  most of the day with Michael.  That's always my most precious time. I wish I were stronger and I didn't need to lean on him so much  because being his mom is the best part of my life.
I've been waking in the middle of a panic attack every morning the last few days and it takes hours after I wake up to get better.  I'm going through one now.
 My nephew is coming over this evening,  he's very sweet and I'm looking forward to it.
Now I need to shake myself out of this hole.


I went to my parents and met Michael,  Tomy and his friends there. It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many people I love 

June 22nd

I spent most of my day trying to deal with SSDI and it's been very frustrating. A friend of my son, her name is Prissi, who I've never met has been helping me through this and she's being amazing, she's a professional patient advocate so she's been invaluable and she's doing it just to help me and is very touching.
Jorge called me from out of the blue the day I got the diagnosis, someday I will find out how that came to be but I'm glad it did. I reached back out to him today and now he's on his way and I think it should be nice and comforting.
 It was really nice seeing Jorge, it did not feel like it's been so long.
Death can give you a clear perspective about the silliness of things

June 21st

Going to yoga made me feel great two days ago but it also caused my incision to hurt. Today I'm kind of depressed and down and I've been scared all night. I'm going to go visit my parents and then I'm just looking forward to seeing Michael tonight.
My niece and my nephew came over and made dinner yesterday, they're adorable.
I can't shake this feeling of sadness today, and the unconcealable reality of leaving my son.
Some of my amazing friends have enroll me in freshly that will come very handy as I don't feel like cooking at all, or shopping.
I refuse to allow Trump to survive me as president, looking at these little children separated from their parents is devastating.
I went to visit my parents and now I'm back home waiting for Michael to come over for dinner. He's going to cook. He's actually a great cook, gourmet almost. He has really stepped up and I'm so proud of him, I hope he knows that.

June 19th

With all the love coming my way this would be the best time of my life if I weren't dying. 

Julia took me to visit my parents and yoga. Other than that I'm sleeping a lot I'm doing fine. The sadness and the fear come and go and interfere with my ability to concentrate on anything so yoga was really good.  I'm also really worried about money. Is depressing that whatever time I might have left I will be poor and never travel again.

The generosity of my colleagues and Friends keeps touching me everyday

June 19

My first day of chemo, I'm feeling fine. Michael picked me up and then he hang out for quite some time. I'm really touched how all my friends are up to date on my medical news and concerned about me.

The problem with feeling fine is that it makes it hard to get into my head that even if the treatment works, even if I show no symptoms or signs of cancer this particular cancer can never be cured

June 15th

I went to get a port put in today. Something that I will live with forever, it makes me depressed. Gisela pick me up and now Julie and Khayyam are here taking care of me and that feels really nice.

I'm starting to wonder why I'm committing to a treatment that they know it's a failure. 

June 14th

City of Hope says that my tumors are too small for their trial, it sounds like good news but it's just as deadly.

 I'm starting chemo next week. I don't know how to survive without an income

June 13th

I'm trying to resolve a riddle, how to enjoy life when all you can think about is death. These days have had some peaks of intensity but all the knowledge and wisdom that I'm acquiring from them it's not going to serve me much in the grave. 

I am suddenly going into the darkest of all places, how do I say goodbye to my son I feel like somebody's tearing my heart out just thinking about it. 

June 12th

Tomorrow today would have been awesome I'll try to remember that.

Dr. Mena transferred my care to City of Hope for a clinical trial and I'm very scared of the time that's going by and the treatment is not starting, it's causing me a lot of anxiety.
 Monica came to visit and so did Julia and then Monica and I went to my parents, it was good to get out of the house. 

June 13th

I feel so thankful do my friend's generosity it really has touched my heart.

I spend a good chunk of time with Michael today, the thought of leaving him devastates me, I just want to stay with him as long as I can. 

Tomy and his friends are here today, they came and cooked for me, I love them for it. 

More tests and process and calls and more process to come

June 12th

Today I went to see doctor Mena, my new oncologist, somehow he gave me a little bit of hope, not of cure but of living at a little longer, a pin hole at the end of the tunnel. I'm also getting more stressed about money, or the lack of thereof.
A few of my friends have been incredibly generous but I have a long run and I think I'm going to be poor for the duration

June 11th 2018

Eleven days ago, with no symptoms and out of the blue I was told I had gallbladder cancer, I was told it was a very aggressive cancer. The next day I went to Cedar Sinai to see a surgeon, that's when I found out how bleake the odds were under any circumstances, two days ago, just when I thought I was handling it I found out that any thought of odds had been optimistic, there are no odds, we're talking about months not years. 

I found out that our brains don't have a storage room for hopelessness. Once hope is taken away usually our brains try to put it away, discard, no point in holding on, I didn't know what to do with the information, it was not sinking in. All I could feel was just pain that my brain could not process. Full disclosure, with the aid of some Pharmaceuticals and the railing of my family I'm now able to cope most of the time. The idea of leaving my son so soon is devastating. But for those moment when I can see beyond the dark I realize how precious and intense every common moment is. If this didn't kill me it would be the best trip of my life.